Tumblr user Bunny from Choking-on-Dandelions sent me a very sweet ask requesting some dos and don'ts for beginner Lolitas! My brain immediately went into overdrive screaming about all the things I've learned from personal experience and I realized that it needed to be on my blog-blog rather than on Tumblr. For both Bunny and anyone else reading this, do know that I'm writing from my own perspective. These are things that I wish I would have learned when I was just starting out. Instead, a lot of it came to me over the course of a decade's worth of mistakes and personal emotional maturity. Some might not work for you - that's okay! Everyone's different! Grab some tea, settle in, and hopefully pick up some helpful beginner's tips!
Do: Take the time to think about what a Lolita wardrobe means for you.
For some people, it's three coordinates, tops. For others, it's enough clothing to fill a room. More often, it'll fall somewhere in between and every size is valid! Figuring out what your goal is will be the first step to planning your first outfit and making smart purchases.
For instance, if you're looking to wear Lolita every single day for every occasion, the first question to ask yourself should involve what style and colors you want to start with. Maybe fill up a folder on your computer with pictures of dresses you know you want to buy already! Will a white blouse match with more of them to start out with? What color shoes will coordinate with them? Socks? How big should your petticoat be? If you work with something like this in mind, you'll find yourself with a beautifully cohesive wardrobe. Fine-tuning and specific coordination can come later.
On the other side, if you're only wanting to start out with two or three outfits and see how you like Lolita, I think it's perfectly fine to tune your coordinates a bit more finely. Your dresses are going to be pieces that you really love. It would be less important to me that all of my foundation pieces work with every dress. I'd rather show love to each outfit to really bring out the best in my main pieces. The drawback here is that if you want to cycle out a dress, you might end up having to purchase a whole new coordinate.
Don't: Expect to have a whole Lolita wardrobe overnight.
Do: Spend time hunting down those pieces you love!
Seriously, don't underestimate the power of the search. It feels so gratifying to finally be able to open up a package and have that dress you fell head-over-heels in love with. It's going to make coordinating and wearing your clothes that much more special - and you deserve that feeling!
Don't: Buy something just because you can afford it.
This is a personal one for me. Hooboy. Picture it: you've been saving your money, you're ready to purchase a new Lolita piece (maybe even your first!), and you're excited! Great! You can't find something from your wishlist on Lacemarket or one of the Facebook sales groups. Not great! Then you spot a great deal on something that maybe isn't the style you had in mind, maybe doesn't go with what you already have, maybe it doesn't quite fit and you convince yourself otherwise.
That's how you end up with a $40 skirt that's never going to fit you in a thousand years and now you're stuck staring at it while it collects dust. Not that I did that. Of course not. Absurdity.
Okay, fine, I did this a lot. I ended up with an incohesive wardrobe. Sometimes it worked out, and that's how I got some of my favorite pieces! Usually, it didn't. Sometimes those impulse buys get the better of you and leave you frustrated.
If you're like me and your brain's going to be buzzing until you buy something because you have impulse control and dopamine issues, try to scratch your purchasing itch with something lower-commitment and still beneficial for your wardrobe. Blouses, outerwear, accessories, jewelry, socks, shoes, all of these are easier to fit into a wardrobe than a brand-new main piece (and maybe give your creativity a flex). Besides, having a good (proportional) stockpile of them is key to a functioning wardrobe.
Do: Embrace casual coordination.
This one's strongly a matter of taste, but it made me very happy early on in my Lolita journey. I started wearing Lolita because I want to wear the clothes. I didn't want to save them for special occasions only! I'm planning on going more in-depth with this in future posts (and already have one on substyles written), but Casual Lolita is honestly my favorite kind. I love the look of simple skirts, comfy dresses, cutsews, natural hair and makeup, and generally stuff I can either lounge in at my desk at home or wear to hang out with friends. This is what I did when I was in college. Casual Lolita let me wear it nearly every day and I was stoked that I could do that! This also helped keep my special occasion pieces feeling more special.
Don't: Be afraid of checking out your local comm!
For a lot of people, the local Lolita community is a large part of the hobby - for good or ill. Primarily good! You might have heard horror stories of judgy, catty Mean Girls types and exclusionary cliques, but this is far from the norm. I'm not saying that no community has its problems - Lolitas are only human and we're susceptible to the same flaws as any person in jeans and a sweater - but I don't want you to start your Lolita life with the mentality that Lolitas in herds are the stuff of high school nightmares.
I've been loosely attached to two different comms across a couple of moves, and both of them have been nothing but warm and welcoming to me! They're happy to be supportive when you post a coord photo, chat with you at meet-ups, and sometimes help you hunt down pieces you're looking for. It can be a great place to make friends if that's something you want to get out of the fashion!
Sidenote: If you want to be a lone Lolita and not do this, that is fine! You do not have to socialize to be a Lolita!
Do: Look at publications and social media groups for inspiration!
Most Lolita publications are out of print nowadays, but you can still find them! Here is an archive (Lolita History) of popular J!Fashion magazines with which most Lolitas will be familiar. The Gothic and Lolita Bible is one of my favorites. You'll find plenty of street snaps of Lolitas from Japan, where wearing the fashion can sometimes be a little more creative or lax on the rules than in the States.
There's also Closet of Frills, a Facebook group where Lolitas share coordinate photos! (Yes, I know, it's Facebook, but that's the site keeping me tethered to the fashion). This group can introduce you to new brands, show you coordination trends (if that's something you enjoy following), and give you ideas for how to build your own outfits. You'll get to see the clothes actually being worn, which makes a big difference from only seeing them on dress forms and carefully-curated brand shoots. This will also expose you to Lolitas from all over the world, not just in your immediate region.
Don't: Feel like you have to fit a certain mold to be a Lolita
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| Image from DollBe, an Indie Lolita brand that is owned by a plus-sized Black woman. The clothing is gorgeous, full of custom prints, and comes in an amazing range of sizes! |
Disclaimer: This is a long one and is framed within my experience as a cis, white, abled, plus-sized Lolita.
There is no one right way to be a Lolita aside from wearing the clothes. You don't have to be a certain race, gender, height, weight, or state of ability. You don't think you're pretty? Who cares? This is about enjoying yourself and having fun.
Clothing knows no gender and there are so many Lolitas who aren't cis women in the world. Find them. Gather your inspiration. Have fun.
You can't fit into your favorite brand? Same! Find a new one. The years have steadily become kinder to plus-sized Lolitas and there are so many options for you, now. Don't tell yourself you'll wear it when you're skinny. Take it from someone who knows how that goes down.
Not white? Wear a veil for religious purposes? Awesome! If you run into someone who thinks these aspects of your being aren't Lolita, flounce off and live your best frilly life. You're wearing Lolita clothing and that's all you need to call yourself such.
Plenty of Lolita dresses and skirts run short, so if you're self-conscious about your knees showing (though, honestly, when was the last time that was even a criticism?), get an underskirt. Problem solved. But I guarantee you probably don't need it
Disabled? I've seen so many people trick out their mobility aids and wheelchairs with flowers or ribbons or stickers to match their coordinates and I think that's a really fun extra thing to do! If you're planning to go to a meet-up, check ahead of time with the host to see about accessibility or do some googling on the location on your own if you'd rather do that.
Basically, what I'm trying to impart is that I've spent a long time feeling like I wasn't living in the Correct Lolita Body. I've gotten better. It's not gone and I don't think it ever will be because it's a symptom of a larger problem that I and so many others struggle with. But I refuse to contribute to another Lolita feeling the same way that I do.
Speaking of which: if you're cis, white, able-bodied, thin, etc., stick up for everyone I've mentioned above! Just as it's unacceptable to be cruel, it's not okay to allow that behavior in your comm in the first place.
Do: Research!
Finally, research is vital to starting off your Lolita journey on the right foot. If you're here, you're already doing it! You have to understand what Lolita is in order to get into the aesthetic and wear it respectfully (by which I mean: it's not a costume and should never be treated as such).
The best way to do this is really to keep seeking out other Lolitas. Blogs, YouTube channels, Facebook groups, anything that lets you put your eyes on how it's worn. There are so many content creators out there and all you have to do is type "Lolita Fashion" into the YouTube search bar to find great channels, but here are some of my favorites:
Cupcake Kamisama is a wonderful blogger who also has a YouTube channel! Her content primarily features how she coordinates her outfits and overall wardrobe and there's even a series on Advanced Coordination. I highly recommend checking her out to learn more about coordination.
Kimbuucha has such a cute YouTube channel that includes a ton of Lolita vlogs! Join her for meet-ups, unboxings, musings, and, my favorite, Wardrobe Tours.
Callista of Magical Girl Me is another favorite of mine, but for a different reason. I binged a bunch of her plus-sized specific content and found my heart aching for Lolita years lost to my personal hangups about my body. Aside from body positivity, you'll also find a lot of unboxings and reviews from different shops - vital when you're exploring where to buy from!
These are my tips for starting out in Lolita! If you're a veteran frill-wearer, let us know in the comments what you'd love to tell newbies, too!
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